The day started out like any other. Into my third week of holidays and the days are melting pleasantly together. Adriana and I are away from the cares of the world, but not away from the cares of the world. They seem to follow us wherever we go these days. I woke up feeling like I was “in the muck” this morning. Cloudy in my head, kind of numb. Not horrible, just numb. And closed off. After some quiet reflection and journaling, (and a pep talk video from Glennon) I decided what I needed to do was connect and get some exercise. Reach out. Check up on some people. Get my energy flowing in a more positive direction. So, I did that. I literally wrote the names down on a piece of paper of 4 people that I wanted to check up on and send some love their way. Tell them I miss them, that they are on my mind, that I hope they are doing well. Connection.
Then I had a great phone conversation with an old friend who means a lot to me. We laughed and caught up and reminded each other about what is important in these times. I got off that call and felt ready to go for a bike ride, just me and my music. There is something magical for me about exercise combined with music. It opens me up. It brings me back into alignment. It allows me to breathe deeply again. As much as I try to enjoy silence and exercise together, it just doesn’t do it for me in the same way. In the words of Liz Gilbert: “my mind is like a golden retriever, it does better when it has something to chew on…”
As I was riding my bike, and passing other morning dog walkers trying to get in their walk before the heat of the day takes over, a favourite old song came on. Within moments I was sobbing. Riding and sobbing. This song immediately catapulted me into memories of people I love, a few I have lost, and the importance of memories and the impact we have on the people around us. A few days ago, I got in an argument in a store I was in with the store owner about a face mask!!! For those who know me, you will know that I am NOT one to engage in an argument with strangers. But this situation happened so quickly and innocently that I was caught up in it before I knew it and felt like I had no choice. It has eaten away at me for days. What is happening people?? I tried to look compassionately at why the woman reacted as she did. Maybe she was having a hard day. Maybe she had just received a stressful phone call from someone before I walked in her store. Maybe she just needs love, a hug, an ear, whatever. Maybe I just need to stop thinking about it and let it go.
Back to my morning. So, here I am riding and sobbing and sobbing and riding. A little puzzled at where these tears were coming from, but at the same time a little relieved that I found a release for the emotion I had obviously been locking down lately. As I neared other walkers, I would calm myself down, and then allow more tears to come once I was alone again on the quiet streets I was riding on. It is amazing how Moms get good at picking their times for a good cry, and can turn it on and off in order not to alarm kids, husbands, strangers. Felt really good to just cry. Felt like I was cracking open. Felt like I needed that. Pedalled the shit out of those tears. It feels like I am out of the muck now. Not numb anymore.
What started that whole path this morning was reaching out, and then receiving back some of the amazing check-ins and connections I am getting from people in my life. You know who you are. Thank you. Let’s keep checking on each other. Direct our strength towards making each other feel good, secure and loved. Less of our energy going to all the bad things out there these days, and keep working towards sending good energy out to the world. Because it makes all the difference. We are all struggling, and just doing the best that we can. I am going to share the song that kicked off the tears for me this morning. Within the first two bars of the song, I was a goner. If you feel like a good cry, or would enjoy a moment of quiet reflection, throw on some headphones and have a listen.
I know this stuff, I was doing all of the ‘things’. But sometimes we need to forget and then remember, in order to get back to where we feel aligned. Grounded. Open. Or at least I do.