Updated: Dec 7, 2020
Somewhere along the way, I figured something out for myself. When thinking and weighing in my mind whether or not I should do something, take a step, do the thing… the question I should ask myself was not “am I ready to do this?” or “do I want to do this?”. The real, true and valuable question is “after I do the thing (ex. exercise, get out of bed early, go to sleep early, meditate, say yes to the thing that terrifies me)… will I be happy that I did it?" If yes? Then end of story. Just do it.
Put on the shoe and walk out the front door.
Get on the treadmill.
Go to bed (or get out of bed depending on what your goal is).
Sign up for the class.
Sit down and meditate.
I used to waste endless amounts of mental energy arguing with myself about whether or not I should do something. I finally decided to stop doing that to myself, sabotaging myself, draining my energy and just do the thing. Nike was definitely on to something. Just do it. Do it not for how it will make me feel in the moment, not because I love to feel afraid, but because there is a nugget in the future that is there for my taking. It is the joy and satisfaction and physical and emotional benefits I know I will experience after I take the step. Future gratification. Delayed gratification. It is a constant struggle and I am a work in progress, but it does become an easier and easier decision to make. I said the goal “x” is what I wanted. So just do the thing. And then get on with my day. I will also go ahead in my day with a quiet sense of satisfaction that I showed up for myself. This feels. Fucking. Awesome.
I am working on getting more in tune with my intuition. My gut feeling. We all call it something different, but know what we are talking about. As a peacemaker (Enneagram 9, 2 and embracing her 7 side), I so often worried about how everyone else was feeling, that I was not good at paying attention to how I was feeling. It was more comfortable for me to keep everyone else safe, happy, motivated (whatever it was) than to take care of my own needs and actually feel my feelings. I was recently at a meditation retreat and we were discussing our internal “yes” and “no”. We were going around the room and sharing what our “yes” and “no” feels like in our body. This exercise was tough for me. Some people describe a tingling, or a particular part of their body where they feel their yes and no. The only way that I can feel my yes and no is if I think of it as light/dark or light/heavy… or even better, take it to an extreme and think of it as a “hell yes”, or a “fuck no”. There were some laughs… luckily I was in a safe crowd. They could handle it. For some reason, I need to take it to the extreme in order to connect with my intuition. I believe that my own quiet voice has for so long been focussed on others, that I am out of the practice of tuning into my own frequency and guidance. Not anymore.
Now that I know this about myself, I spend more time journaling, meditating and quietly listening and watching for the threads of guidance that are all around us… if we stay open and are paying attention. I used to hate being alone. Now I absolutely love it. I don’t need people as much. I can trust that they are doing their thing and I am doing mine. My worth does not come from outside of myself. The love that I need is not ‘out there’. It is inside of me, and it is cultivated by every walk I take in nature by myself, in every minute that I sit in silence and just be, in every gift that I notice is in the world around us and isn’t bought with money, in every deep belly breath that I take in and just rest in what is.
As someone who always felt slightly lonely and not alright with that, I would manoeuvre pretty quickly to something different in order to not feel that feeling. Because I equated it with sadness. And I didn’t like to feel sadness. But sometimes life IS sad. Sometimes I am just sad and there is not necessarily a reason for it. And I need to be ok with that. Because we would not have the beauty without the ugliness. We would not know peace without the sadness. An emotion is just an emotion. It is not good, bad or otherwise, it just is. Sit with it, feel it, journal about it, let it release. Process it. And then move on. Don’t hold on too tight to the joy, and don’t hold on too tight to the tough emotions either. We are human. The emotions come and go. I guess I am finally learning how to feel my stuff. It only took 51 years.